I am not happy to smile, but happy to smile.
Once, I was such a “different” child: in front of others, I am very good, I will quietly smile, like a winding smiling doll; at home, I will silently shut myself in the room, holding the puppet gently crying, turning the day’s grievance into tears, a one-time unified vent. Sometimes I can even cry for an afternoon and fall asleep on the wooden floor when I am tired of crying. I don’t know why there were so many grievances at that time, which made me seem to be a depressive patient. I just subconsciously felt that I was sad. There are so many blue and chilling sentences in my diary: “Maybe I should have known that’good’is another kind of surrender to fate.” “Happiness, that’s the jewelry on the mask.” There seems to be no real reason in the world to make me happy.
Later, I began to collect articles as cold as my words, which seemed to collide with my mind. I looked at them as if I had seen the same kind of excitement. I shut me up more and more frequently in that small room. Over time, in my eyes, the pink walls of the room turned into a raging blood, which would swallow me up one day. I still smiled in front of others, but there was a little coldness behind the smile.
At a class reunion after graduation, Sha Ling, a dead party, praised the depth of the articles I had written before. I laughed. What is “deep”? Deep is in a narrow room a person’s bitter thinking, let tears soak in the hands of the puppet, let the pain in an instant release. I just laughed until the end of the class reunion. After that, I was ready to go home, but I stopped. Unfortunately, my classmates, just classmates, have the same quiet smile as me, but her smile seems more pure. She said she noticed my smile at the class meeting. “It’s not the same as usual!” She said with a laugh.
Great insight. I sighed in my heart, and at the same time I wondered: Is my inner thoughts so obvious? I also laughed, the corners of my mouth bent to a standard 27. Five degrees. “Yes?” I answered her quietly. At that time, I was full of guard against everything, like a hedgehog standing on a thorn, afraid of being hurt, but also to drive away the good intentions of others. “Well, don’t underestimate me. I’m going to be a psychologist in the future!” She laughed even more brilliantly, as if she hadn’t felt my indifference at all. “All right.” I gave in. “What do you think of my laughter?” “Then I said it frankly. You just laughed at the class meeting. What do you say? It doesn’t seem to come from your heart, but it’s a little bit cold this time. She looked me in the eye as she spoke. I avoided her eyes and felt a panic. It was a kind of panic that I didn’t know what to do after being seen through. “How did you think of that?” I managed to maintain my smile. “Not what I thought, but what your smile told me.” Regret more and more affirmation. I panicked again, and for a moment I was like a sparrow plucked out of its feathers, shivering powerlessly in the cold air. I suddenly felt that this was a dialogue between the devil and the angel. The Angel wanted to save the devil. The head of the devil was frightened for the first time. It was funny. I changed into a sarcastic smile: “Go outside.”
Spacious streets emit a fragrance of banyan leaves evaporated after the rain. I walk with regret in this wet green fragrance. I calmed down and suddenly became interested in how she wanted to “save” me. “The world is really boring.” I opened my mouth. “No, the world is beautiful, but there are some things that blindfold your eyes and make you feel the beauty of the world.” Look at the glittering rain on a leaf. “You speak like a nun.” I tilted the corner of my mouth to one side. “Well, in fact, every nun is a psychologist, and they have the ability to free people from pain. You say I’m like a nun, so, as you say, maybe I can, too.” Look at me quietly. I sighed, “Nothing in the world can make me happy.” “Maybe there is. That’s a smile.” Pity pointing at my mouth, “But it’s not your kind of smile. It’s the kind of smile that goes straight to your heart and feels the beauty of the world.” I looked at her sarcastically. How could I possibly laugh at that strange smile? All of a sudden, it was funny, like a TV plot, dog blood, false incitement. “I’m tired. I’m going home.” I shook my head and walked back, with disappointment on my face. Originally, angels are just like this. Devil, of course, still want to live in hell. She did not stop me, but in the humid and rich air came a word: “Once, a man said to me,’I am not happy because I smile, but because I am happy because I smile’.” I was shocked when I heard this sentence in its entirety. Looking back and smiling at me behind me is the kind of direct heart, can feel the world’s beautiful smile.
Philosophy was great. I was instantly awake when I heard this very philosophical remark. Perhaps, I have been wrong about the world. I always think that the world owes me: the world owes me happiness, the world owes me freedom, the world owes me luck, the world owes me warmth… Perhaps all this is just my own naive resentment, thinking that I have less than others, but never thought, all this is because I do not strive for. A smile can buy happiness, but I only know how to trade it for pain. I’ve been satirizing others, but I don’t know that it’s actually satirizing myself. Just as I was told at the end of that day, as long as we fight hard and actively, the devil can also emerge as an angel in an instant.
I didn’t say anything to regret that day, but after a long silence, I said to her, “You are the greatest psychologist.” Then stop and give her the happiest smile.
I am not happy to smile, but happy to smile.